Papers Not So Pink

(Despite being variously implored and repeatedly threatened by many on including mass media in my articles, they somehow seem to find their way up here.)

For a few days, news elements floating around seem to be creating more than just waves. In fact, these high tides have toppled the consistency of sanity amongst many. The proletariat, the entrepreneurial and the technocrati have responded in various degrees of indifference to each of them, the highest being raised eyebrows and widened eyes. But it was later discovered that it was just the foreplay of a giant sneeze that shattered the ear drums of many in a closed office. The school going children, however, were as tricky to track as the count of the number of outsourced units in India.

An English teacher of an ‘International School’ (this is a term to denote places that have buildings representing obnoxious monstrosity and unconventional education that has parents in knots – in their brain and pockets!) decided to introduce newspaper reading for tiny tots to get them converse better than a hotch potch “That is correct, no Ma’m” and “He only did it, M’am”.

Ma’m (beaming with enthusiasm): “Class, today we shall be doing something new.”
Naughty Tot: “That is what you say in every class, Ma'm.”
Ma’m (not amused, but holding her head high where the clouds floated): “We shall start newspaper reading from this session and then we shall discuss what you read. At the end, one of you shall summarize the news for the day. Dolly, you begin”
Dolly: “Yes M’am. ‘Coimbatore blasts: Basha, nine others get life sentence. The founder leader of proscribed Al-Umma S A Basha and the outfit's general secretary Mohammed Ansari, along with eight key convicts, were on Wednesday awarded life imprisonment in the 1998 Coimbatore serial blasts case.’”
Ma’m: “Thank you, Dolly. Let us see who has the first question.”
Naughty Tot: “Why are we reading 1998 news now? Sid just wrote today’s date on the board. The year is 2007, no Ma’m?”
Ma’m: “Yes, the year is 2007. But the judgement was announced only yesterday. Most of the times the result of such cases is known after a delayed period.”
Naughty Tot: “Does it apply to our school results too?”
Ma’m (sternly): “Ahem! Firoz, the next headline, please. All discussions after it is read out.”
Firoz: “Ok. ‘N-deal will benefit India, US & world says Burns’. I have a question Ma’m- Is N-deal a rock band?”
Ma’m: “No, it stand for Nuclear Deal, which is between India and the US.”
Tot: “New cleaning?”
Ma’m: “Well, not quite. It deals with making weapons and building arsenal.”
Tot: “Wow! Like ‘Counter Strike’ video game?”
Ma’m: “Uhmm… no. let’s move on to entertainment section. Kiti… Sheeti… the last girl in white.”
Tot: “Kshitija, Ma’m. ‘Sanjay Dutt goes to prison again’.”
Naughty Tot: “Man! You know, he went to all temples, still he was taken to prison.”
Ma’m: “No discussing between yourselves.”
Naughty Tot: “You know, he has big gun. I have his poster in my room”
Tot: “Cool! I will come to your house then, ok?”
Ma'm: "Sshh! Avi, the next headline."
Avi: "'Queen Beatrix of Netherlands meets President Pratibha Patil'. Is she Sirius Black's sister, Ma'm?"
Ma'm: "Sirius, who?"
Avi: "Sirius Black, Ma'm. Harry Potter's godfather. He had this wicked witch sister. Is she the same one?"
Dolly: "No! Her name was Bellatrix Lestrange and she was deatheater. She did not wear nice pink hats like this. Deatheaters don't wear hats! Don't you ever read Harry Potter?"
Avi: "Uh... "
Ma'm: "Stop the exodus! Let's move on to Sports section. This should be easy, right? Malcolm, stop rolling eyes around, you are making Gia dizzy. It's your turn to read the news. Remember, discussions only after I ask."
Malcolm: "Ok, Ma'm. 'Rahul Gandhi takes time out to play a cricket match'."
Ma'm: "Good. Who can tell me who Rahul Gandhi is?"
Tot: "A right handed batsman who wears specs? Like Rahul Dravid."
Ma'm: "No, he is no cricketer. He is Member of the Parliament."
Naughty Tot: "But he plays cricket, no Ma'm? Look he is wearing the cricket uniform."
Ma'm: "Just an off day for him."
Naughty Tot (to Malcolm): "The article is in sports section. I bet my bubble gum that Ma'm is wrong."
Tot (excitedly): "I know... he is Mahatma Gandhi's grandson, Ma'm?"
Ma'm: "That's not correct. He is Indira Gandhi's grandson."
Naughty Tot: "But History Ma'm told us that Pandit Nehru was Indira Gandhi's father."
Ma'm: "Yes, that's correct, but... "
Silent Tot: "How does the surname change? And why is it Sir name? Indira Gandhi was a lady, no Ma'm?"
Ma’m (dabbing forehead with a tissue): “Class, quiet! I think this is enough for today.”
Tot: “Ma’m, I will summarize!”
Ma’m (tiredly): “Huh?”

On reaching home, an expectant parent asked his child what he learnt in school today-
Naughty Tot: “Oh Daddy, today we read newspaper. Coi… Coimto… Coimbatore judgement of 1998 was given today. But it is only to tell them that they will have to be in prison and write sentences. I guess they had failed in using adverbs, like SJ. But Ma’m says our results will not be postponed. The nuclear deal has nothing clean about it. It is not even as much fun as Counter Strike. You know, they put you in prison even if you go to temples. Having a poster also does not count. Harry Potter's sister met the President today. Though, in India she does not look like a witch. Finally, the sports news. Mahatma Gandhi's grandson wears specs and plays cricket on an off day.”
Daddy (perplexedly): “You learnt that today? Is that all?”
Naughty Tot: “There was more, but don’t know why Ma’m didn’t want us to read. She has given us 5 long comprehension tests. They are a little confusing. Can you help me finish it, Daddy?”