10 Promises to a Desi

The US Presidential race for 2008 has aroused an unprecedented interest by the global community. Not that it makes any difference in the daily life but the conversations are more America-centric. India has seen many a political upheaval, rebuttal and wham-bham masala befitting a Bollywood B-grade movie. But the system gets diluted in the wake of contenders from Barabanki to places that are not even heard of! The final choice of the prime minister, who is the actual ringmaster in the Great Indian Political Circus (presidents are like one of the neat fitted gems on crown that are not allowed movement), lies as a decision by the left, right and the other sides of other parties who after careful monetary consideration announce the momentous decision! The voter who finally got her Voter ID much to his/her chagrin and took a long route to press those blue & white buttons, after a lot of training on its electronic usage, many a times is caught astonished at the announcement of the next Prime Minister - ‘This is not the guy who stood for elections! What’s his name?’

The US elections on the other hand hold more shows, a la Bollywood star nights (a miniature Broadway color, music, light and dance exhibition). This educates people on who actually are the candidates. They are given adequate scope to speak about the war they started, healthcare facilities that are lacking and other issues. Many times they have a solution to at least one of them, be it pumping their fist in the air and saying ‘We’ll bring back the troops’ or ‘We’ll bring back the jobs’.

These candidates are also invited on various talk shows, where they talk what they would have already spoken in various constituencies, oops! Caucuses! (a silly desi glitch!) One of the shows that is a pit stop for most of the candidates is the one hosted by David Letterman. Along with being the host of the most popular talk show, he also has a classy appeal through his choice of ties and a very worn out looking rug on his head. And the humor, of course. I happened to catch one of the videos of these appearances on his show where the candidates made humorous Presidential Candidate promises. It was enjoyable till the end of the show, though I feel there are some things that a US President should consider as the desis form a vast majority of the vote bank. So, I suggest the following 10 promises the next US President should make to a desi:

1. Strip search to be restricted to clothes only. Make it compulsory at all airline terminals that the officials, no matter how brooding a face they carry each day, strip search a person but stop when all clothes are off. Some middle aged brown faces may not be able to handle skinning. The maximum one can retrieve out of them would be pickles, a pungent smelling powder and lots of crispy discs.

2. Do something to contain the recession. I don’t know about how deep in shit the industry is but speaking about the employed desis, I can safely say they are in it! Despite all the jazzy languages they’ve learnt which have more characters than alphabets in them, the salary faking business has taken a hit. No matter how much one fakingly hikes the CTC in his/her resume, the companies are now really not able to afford those quick-toed Bangaloreans or the street smart Mumbaikars or the dynamic Delhites.

3. Allow at least one Indian film to be nominated in the Oscars each year. Every year almost a 100 people die when one of the Indian movies tipped to make it to the category of ‘Best film in a Foreign Language’ doesn’t make it to the final. Let them not always win it, but a nomination alone can save many lives, as they cling on to their hopes each year.

4. Make it a contractual obligation for Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorcese, Ang Lee and the other hottest directors/ production houses to sign Ash, AB, and many other Bollywood ‘stars’. Now, it may be an unknown fact, but in India these happen to be direct descendants from the Sun, the Moon and all the stardust on the way. Now, it is not their erroneous judgement that some Last legion did not work or their emotions were not given adequate screen time. If a US President makes this by contract, these demi-gods may capture the fancy of a wider section of audience. Remember, it is a fair deal and I have not even talked about award nominations here!

5. Give desi students at US universities equal rights to become Assistants to Professors for funding their pretzels. Though the job is menial and most thankless, let the desis be given equal rights to be picked as they need them for subsistence. Indian banks give loans for education alone and we’ve heard it enough from a commercialist view that ‘there are no free lunches’.

6. Make Silicon Valley the capital of the United States. It is understandable that the place where the President resides and operates is the current capital. But with all the economic mayhem, most of which is contributed/ affecting a vast portion of Silicon Valley, it is but logical to make it the capital. Ask any random desi and he/she will confirm the fact.

7. Reduce the queue for getting visas from standing 3 nights straight to just one night. For many students it may be a little taxing when they have just finished their GREs, GMATs, TOEFLs and all the other unpronounceable abbreviated entrance tests. Standing for getting the application for just one night would be fine with the desis.

8. Once Dubya is out of office, people would generally be denied the pleasure of watching anomalies in speeches. Desis too would be missing out on all Bushisms once he’s gone. So, the next US President should compulsorily commit at least 2 faux pas per month to keep the spirits high and the You Tube uploads flowing.

9. Search WMD in non-Asian countries too. At least the precedence in most of Hollywood movies seems to suggest so. There goes the ‘information source’!

10. Allow school kids to wear turbans. When kids can color their hair pink and tattoo cryptic puzzles on their tender skins in wild colors, allowing harmless turbans and skullcaps wouldn’t be as big a deal as discovering the existence of a planet! While doing so, ensure adequate safety in Universities and schools against the slightly deranged section who may become potential gun toting maniacs overnight. It may not be a well-known fact in the US, but the desis killed in such incidents are grieved over newspaper, TV, radio and conversations even after 2 months.

I guess the above promises are not too large not to be met. I don’t quite mind who the next Prez is but I surely do hope they also do something about financing blogs written about giving them the desi angle. This web page is recovering not a penny for me and I’m already running late for a dreary day at office!